It’s no secret that Asian culture is known to be quite suppressive when it comes to the expression of emotions. I certainly felt that way as an emotionally sensitive girl who had to learn to “toughen up” and not cry in front of my parents. As I have learned through the years, this learned behavior is also taught in many other cultures of the world, especially when it comes to sharing one’s vulnerability. Keep it locked away at all costs!
Brené Brown is very familiar with this topic. Her seminal Ted Talk which, by the way, is raw, honest, hilarious, and touching (please join the millions and watch it if you haven’t already) changed how we as modern-day people view connection, shame, and vulnerability. As she likes to joke on airplane rides with strangers, she is a Shame Researcher.
Brené Brown has a remarkable gift for weaving personal stories with her research to illustrate what it means to be human, flawed, and yet always worthy of connection. Her book Daring Greatly opens with the famous passage from Theodore Roosevelt’s speech “The Man in the Arena”:
It is not the critics who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,
Because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;
Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…”
According to Brené, the first time she read this quote, she understood right away that Roosevelt was talking about vulnerability. She shares, “Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being ALL IN.“
What have we been taught about vulnerability?
Many of us have been conditioned to equate vulnerability with weakness.
I definitely felt that way. I don’t have any explicit memories, but at some point in my childhood, I learned that crying or sharing deeply personal feelings was just not something we did at home, and definitely not something we did outside of the home. To do so was embarrassing and it meant exposing our weaknesses.
Can you relate?
Surprisingly, through her research, Brené discovered to her own shock that the opposite is true: to be vulnerable is to be brave. She says, “The more we protect ourselves from vulnerability, the more we grow fearful and disconnected. Being vulnerable then means the opposite: engaging fully and openly with the world around us. Vulnerability is the courage of putting ourselves out there.”
Growing up, I was always envious of friends who seemed free and comfortable expressing themselves, whether it was something positive or negative (it was especially the negative that surprised me). For example, while a Naturopathic student in my final year in internship, I did a trip to Haiti to provide Naturopathic care to impoverished communities. A classmate of mine, and I forget the context of how this story came up, shared with our entire group how once during a date that involved walking in the woods, nature abruptly called… and it wasn’t the first kind. With few options, she ran ahead, squatted down in the bushes, and did her business. Out of fear of her date seeing, she attempted to toss her treasures as far away as possible. Only, it didn’t quite work out the way she had planned, as her date spotted her mid-throw… :O
It was a hilarious story of course. Everyone laughed, including me. But in the back of my mind, I knew that if that ever happened to me, I would be mortified, let alone share the story with another soul. Yet, I saw in her ease and freedom to be herself, and that’s what I wanted.
As Brené discovered, as much as we may want to avoid it, vulnerability is not optional. It’s not even good nor bad—it simply is an inevitability that lies at the CORE of all emotions and feelings.
To FEEL is to be vulnerable, and to feel is the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living. You may say that to feel is to be human.
Most of us reject vulnerability because we associate it with “dark” emotions like shame, fear, disappointment, sadness, and grief. Yet, what we fail to understand is that vulnerability is also the birthplace of emotions that we crave – love, courage, belonging, empathy, joy, and creativity.
The profound danger is when we start to associate feeling with weakness. With the exemption of anger, which is probably the only emotion accepted in North American society, we are losing tolerance for emotions. And since vulnerability is at the core of all feelings, we have lost tolerance for vulnerability as well.
As Brené notes, “We have confused feeling with failing, and emotions with liabilities. If we want to reclaim the essential emotional part of our lives and reignite our passion and purpose, we have to learn how to own and engage with our vulnerability and how to feel the emotions that come with it.”
Creating a New Definition
The best place to start is to redefine vulnerability, which Brené defines as having three components: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
As it happens, every day we are faced with uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
That new relationship, that important meeting, that business opportunity, that difficult family conversation, that creative project – they are all calling to us! Is it going to be easy? Probably not. Despite the fear, uncertainty, and risk, should we show up, walk into the arena, and be seen? Absolutely.
At the root of it, we all crave love and acceptance. To love is uncertain. It is incredibly risky. Loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed. It is scary, leaving us open to being hurt, but how would life be if we avoided love and never knew what it felt like to love or be loved?
Stepping Into the Arena
Roosevelt’s speech refers to an arena, which can easily be compared to any modern-day sports event. The energy of the crowd can be electrifying—exuberant cheering with every goal, palpable disappointment at every missed opportunity.
But guess what? As much as the crowd may feel like they are a part of the game, those in the stands, the people making the most noise, are simply outside observers. Their input, cheers, and criticisms have no influence over the outcome of the game (as much as they might want to believe otherwise).
The only people who have a direct effect on the outcome of the game are the players.
How many of us sit on the sidelines, passing judgment, and giving advice instead of playing in the field?
There are probably many reasons we choose to not engage – it feels safer, there’s less risk, and we don’t want to be exposed. At the root of it, it is because we feel vulnerable. But here’s another little secret, we cannot expect to grow, create, learn, connect, succeed, and transform until we are willing to be vulnerable.
“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.”
Brené encourages us to own and engage with our vulnerability. If we are waiting until we are perfect or bulletproof, we will be waiting in vain. The truth is, perfect and bulletproof do NOT exist in the human experience.
So while we wait for the impossible, we are missing opportunities, sacrificing relationships, and turning our backs on our gifts.
“Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it, there is suffering.”
Brené Brown
Connecting to Vulnerability is a Learnt Skill
So, if you’ve lived your life shunning your emotions, and hiding your vulnerability, most likely, you have lived your life feeling disconnected from yourself and others. Since we’re social creatures, most likely, you have been suffering in some way (whether you realize it or not).
And really, it wasn’t your fault. The belief that emotions are essentially bad and are to be shoved away is pervasive and dominant in most societies of the world. You may not even know what it feels like to be vulnerable. You may struggle with getting in touch with your feelings.
That’s okay. It’s understandable.
And if you would like to live life differently, there IS help.
Through a trauma-informed lens, being vulnerable may have been dangerous and led to traumatic consequences, so it makes sense that most of us who had these experiences also avoid opening up to others. We learned it wasn’t safe to do so. We were hurt.
Fortunately, as with most things, being able to feel your emotions is a skill set that can be learned. Traumas and the meaning we make of our experiences can be transformed. It may sound silly, but most of us don’t actually feel nor are we in touch with our feelings. We live our lives mostly on autopilot, in our heads, constantly thinking about the next move, fearing the uncertainty of the future, afraid of the judgment of others (which keeps us from “acting out”), and avoiding anything that feels the least bit uncomfortable by distracting ourselves, hoping the problems will just go away…
They never do, do they?
Whether your challenges stem from trauma or societal conditioning, there is hope. The disconnection, lack of clarity, suppressed anger, overwhelming grief, anxiety, or depression are all symptoms that there are feelings you haven’t quite yet processed.
I’ve been there, so I know what it’s like. Ultimately, I decided that I wanted to transform my suffering, despite how hard it might be, in order to truly feel free and comfortable in my skin. I wanted to show up in the world as myself, and actually feel accepted and happy.
I knew the work began with myself.
If this speaks to your heart, and you are looking to work with someone to support you through your own challenges, I’m here.
Book a free complimentary call, and see if you’d feel comfortable working together.
If you decide yes, know that for me it would be a real honour to support you.