Embracing the beautiful, ugly, and flower-lover in me

First of all, I want to thank you everyone for your love and support.

It was scary to share this last post because it was so personal. But ultimately, I’ve learned to lean into and share because–chances are–I am not alone in my experiences.

What happened in April

April was a difficult month. As it so happens this year, April was also the month that things finally wrapped up with my court proceedings. The process itself was extremely stressful, anxiety-provoking and triggering, but as it went on, I learned to tap into some good ol’ inner strength. 

I learned to deal better with accusations, written attacks, and attempts at manipulation. I learned to believe in myself despite having my deepest insecurities used against me. I learned that I held power, despite someone trying to bully me and make me feel like I didn’t. 

Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite “end” when you decide to leave—especially if you move forward with Family Court. I think that’s why so many women opt out of the process, or once they are in the process, make decisions to make it end as quickly as possible, and effectively give up the financial support that they rightfully deserve. 

I am lucky that I had people on my side who supported me along the way because it is emotionally draining. Seek support! I also found that lawyers aren’t actually educated on supporting someone leaving an abusive relationship. I also feel, as a whole, that our judicial system needs a good upgrade.

Despite it all, I’ve made it to the end, and I’m proud of what I was able to accomplish. It wasn’t easy, and there were many nights of fits and tears after a court conference… but here I am. I made it through and I learned how to hold and honour my emotions along the way.

Confronting Shame

There was a lot of shame around how I got myself entangled in such a situation. Parts of me blamed myself. I spent a lot of time processing, looking deep within myself, and realized ultimately, it wasn’t really my “fault”. It was years of coping mechanisms solidified from childhood experiences, Intergenerational trauma, cultural conditioning, and the fact that I grew up emotionally deprived. My deep wish of wanting someone to finally see me blinded me. Isn’t that ironic?

Well, this year, I learned to “see” myself. I finally learned to be with myself. I learned that it’s okay that I’m not perfect, and that yes I have some messed up patterns to break, but that doesn’t make me less than anybody else. 

I’m also learning that I’ve been searching for validation outside of me for a very long time. Today, I can proudly say that I have found some peace from deep within myself. I still have moments of insecurities, of course! But there’s a groundedness in me now. There isn’t a real need to grasp for anything… I’m learning to feel joy in the simple, everyday moments. My own presence.  

I am a flower-lover

I also accept that I love flowers, sparkles, and pretty things… that I’ve always been a girly girl at heart, but for some reason, I thought that in order to be someone strong, capable, and independent, I had to be someone serious, and corporate-like. (No offense to all the corporate peeps!)  

So yes! I’m discovering myself. I’m learning to accept myself, and I embrace myself. Who am I without my roles? Who am I without the people around me? Who am I when I am alone? Well, for most of my life I didn’t really know. And as I continue this adventure of discovery, I am realizing that hey, I’m quite alright, more than alright, just the way that I am. Hah! I guess corny sayings hold truth sometimes. 😉